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When You Want to Hug a Stranger in Dunkin Donuts

Sunday, June 26th, 2016
In Dunkin Donuts there was a Young Woman sitting at the table next to me. She was talking on her cell phone and upset because another girl had deliberately shoved her out-of-the-way to get on the...


Thursday, December 11th, 2014
Lately I have been working  A LOT which is good in my line of work. This past weekend was crazy busy with the telegrams. Then on top of that, I am doing an event this Friday for animals and my family is in town this weekend for the Heisman Trophy Events. I am also doing a television taping Friday as well. So basically, Friday I am doing a TV taping and then headed to Staten Island to perform. Saturday I am my sister’s date to the big show. And then in between my mother will be cleaning my apartment aka going through my shizzzzzz.

Yesterday was kind of crazy. Then again, everything has been kind of crazy lately. I ended up doing a telegram for a rich lady on the Upper East Side. I get to the restaurant and it is built railroad style. Basically, the walk way is narrow and very hard to maneuver past anyone. I accidentally assaulted a woman opening the door. She screamed, I apologized. Then I called the contact aka inside dude for the job. Paul wasn’t there but told me to “Go right in.”

The servers knew what was up and I changed into my cake costume. When I got out, I sang to this woman. Of course it was a luncheon of ALL WOMEN. I prefer a crowd of all dudes or mixed even. But all women is rough. You see, when it is a bunch of women and you are the performer, sometimes they roast you and test you to see if you are going to break. Then if you live through their scrutiny you’re alright. It’s never younger women, they’re actually pretty cool. It’s never older women, they have lived so long they are too tired for games. It’s the middle aged chicks.

They seemed to enjoy me, but it was like pulling teeth. It could have been that their first husbands ran off with someone like me. I dunno. In any event, at the end they did admit they liked it. However the recipient added, “It’s better it was my children that sent this then my sister.” Okay……

They said I was “cute” and the birthday girl wanted to keep my outfit. The rich women inquired as to how I went in and out of doorways with this thing. Then the birthday lady wanted to keep my hat and boas for realsies. I was like, okay, maybe you are at the latter end of middle age but you are old woman cray cray about now.

The servers liked it. And when I changed the woman I sang to saw me in my sweats, cold snowy day clothing, and looked at me giving me this hard to read smile. Translated, you passed the test and won us over but we will still be watching you. The experience left me with this feeling that there was no wonder my people didn’t have rights. For as much as I whine about male sexism sometimes, dudes don’t play these stupid assed games with each other. A male audience isn’t as judgmental. But yet, at the same time women friends when they are good are invaluable.

My audience for my animal benefit Friday is mostly women. I think God is trying to teach me something. When I was younger an all women audience was hard for me, and I didn’t really have any female friends. Then again, I was going through a dumb ass phase where I was an unintentional boyfriend stealer and husband borrower and thought nothing of it. That ended when I realized I could get shot. Plus it made me think of another woman I knew who told me she was terrified of a woman like myself. Turned out her husband was a big cheat FYI. Still, in addition to getting possibly shot I didn’t want to hurt someone like her.

Still, I have rocked book talks filled with women readers. I have also rocked women audiences. Then again, I have also calmed down. A few months ago I did a dicey show for an all woman social worker crowd who made me work for it and they were even more brutal, and two heckled me. But at the end they told me what a great job I did. Who knows, me and these damn women. They are hot and cold. Being lesbian can’t be a damn choice cause who would choose to date women?

Of course it made me think of why feminism has been such a bust in some ways. Women can’t agree on anything. In my mom’s generation, the 2ndWave, the white feminist majority wanted to exclude activists of color because it made their cause harder. Then when the white activist decided to include minority women, there was a division on the subject of including lesbians and there was a ton of infighting. Now this generation, the 3rd Wave, the big issue is gender identity. Some say let’s include transmen and transwomen. Others believe transmen are now “men” and shouldn’t be included, and transwomen were born male and they shouldn’t be included. I say if you want a pay cut and to deal with sexism, I’ll include you all you want. Sexism is the same devil that haunts us all.

Then of course on a more basic level, how many women have been betrayed by a so called female bestie? Several years ago when things were completely insane in my life I had a so called gf steal a man from me. Then she made it like I was crazy and it was all my fault when I told her things in confidence because I thought I could trust her. Next thing I know she is with my man and I’m crazy when I tell her how it is and who she is. I’m the bad guy. Or better yet, one of the few women friends I had from college, we dated the same dude off and on and it was a running joke. Then she went and married his sorry ass, and now whenever she sees me it’s like I am a stranger that robbed her damn house. You can have him. As I recall I dumped him for an even bigger mistake. Even another friend who’s boyfriend said I seemed cool went on a rampage to ruin my life afterwards. Then heck, there was one girl who I was friendly with until she started dating an ex of mine. I liked this girl as a person too. That is, until she took it upon herself to throw shade whenever possible and start shit whenever convenient.

I just want to tell all of them a man’s a man, and it’s not worth losing a woman friend over. They all do the same three tricks and have the same equipment. Then again, who am I to be the bearer of bad news? Of course there is a thing called kharma that gets bitchy people. My friend who stole the dude from me, they are married and suited for each other because they are kind of dumb. The other gal pal who decided I was public enemy number one, well she has burned every bridge possible with everyone and talks about the book that she is writing that is still waiting to be released 5 years later. Mine is available on Amazon. The friend who tried to ruin my life is fat, ugly, unpleasant and single which means God hates the same things we all do. And the girl who throws shade, well she sober for about an hour a day. Then again, in order to deal with my ex you would have to do a boatload of drugs too to keep from killing him. The best is when she insists that she goes to the gym and exercises, but she is fatter than ever in all of her pictures. What’s your workout, the all you can eat buffet walking back and fourth?!

Still, maybe my issue with my gender is I don’t get the hang ups. Heck, I did a project with a dude who was getting married and his now wife dreamed of the wedding since she was five. I am not wired like that. Of course, I got into a battle with his wife at times because we were both vying for his attention in an odd way. She wanted a honeymoon to Bermuda and therefore I had to pay for everything because he was being drained. Finally, our arrangement fell apart. Yeah, she dreamed of her wedding since she was 5, but her husband had dreams too and she was squashing them because she felt the need to get married and have the royal wedding on a Manhattan Apartment Share budget.

Then women are a torture in an all-female company because it’s passive aggressive nonsense and all. I dunno. I worked at one once and got fired. It was either that or I quit. My supervisor bullied me because her husband had gone to Vegas, met a blonde, and ran off. It was all my fault. No Crazy, it was all yours. You were nutso and that is why your husband ran far, far away. Ain’t my fault.
As time goes on though, I hear other women have the same complaints and issues with our gender. In a way, we all learn to laugh about it. Maybe God is putting these female crowds in my path to teach me about coming correct in a whole new way. The older I get the more real I become. Maybe it is not just about getting more real, but getting more humble. Maybe it is about also acknowledging just as men are hung up on sex, sex, and more sex women have their own insecure basketcase hang ups too. Maybe it is that we are all in this together.

That being said, I look forward to my crowd of ladies Friday. 

Just Saw This Now

Saturday, September 29th, 2012
I have been so freaking busy as of late with my book and everything else it seems the phone and emails are getting ahead of me. Whether it is emailing stores, sellers, magazines saying do a story on me and my book or my mother trying to book my Thanksgiving airfare I feel like "AHHHH!!!"

My mom woke me up this morning to book my ticket. She called me six times because she is up at four. I worked late so I got up closer to eight. I thought maybe she thought I was dead. Maybe something had happened to a family member. Instead it was, "When are you coming home for Thanksgiving?" What, you woke me up for this? You could have asked me this yesterday!!!!!!! But it was pretty funny. We got the tickets booked. My mom's my mom. She calls me at any hour but it was pretty damn funny as I said.

Of course there has been some drama in publication land. Whether it is my book being out of stock on Amazon, my ebook running slightly behind schedule or whatever whatever whatever. Then there are the fools who ask me, "How is your book?" Meanwhile they have no intention of buying a copy. I should just start countering it with, "Fine, how are your money problems?"

"How is your court case?"

"How is your loser child that hates your guts?"

If they are truly broke, fine. But don't keep asking about my sales if you have no intent. Seriously, it is in poor taste.

I am a bikini-gram for an old man tonight. I just did a bikini shave. It's amazing how my bush grows with little or no water. I used to raise tomatoes when I was a kid with my parents. They took a ton of water to grow. It's like I shave so I have a nice bikini line and like a thief in the night it comes back like poison ivy ready to ruin my day.

Also saw a hottie in the gym who's so not my type. He is six foot eight and a former swimmer. He's a regular at kickboxing and was a sprinter for Fordham. I think he's cute and quiet. He has no criminal record and no visible track marks. He probably is boring compared to the guys I date, but boring isn't all bad. He is cute. Maybe I will jump in the pool when he is there and pretend to drown. Maybe not.

Where is that liberated woman? Gone for the moment but she'll be back again tomorrow.

Sigh, now to shave them pits.

Love, April

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl



Thursday, May 17th, 2012

This past year I have found myself involved in some Women’s Issues Activism. I have made videos speaking about this, I have spoken about this online, and I have written about this. When I was on My Strange Addiction, in a way I sort of, unintentionally, became a symbol for female independence and solidarity. My man made me choose him or the puppets. I chose the puppets. I got fan letters from many young women telling me how men mistreated them or how they escaped the throws of an abusive relationship.
As a result I chose to take the activist route. My mother told me it wasn’t the thing to do, but I feel I have a bigger duty to young women.
As a result I have been called names like: man basher, dyke, lesbian, man hater, etc. Many of these honorary titles are bestowed by males who have no idea what they are talking about. Just because I speak out against violence when it comes to women doesn’t mean I date other women. It doesn’t mean that I hate men like my father and my brother who are doing the right thing; standing by their families and supporting their very talented and brilliant wives. Just the opposite. I hate men who abuse women whether it is physically, sexually, emotionally, or spiritually.
It’s funny to me when these Einsteins start speaking. I want to tell them that they are taking it personally if I am not referring to them. When I speak of men who lie, cheat, and abuse I don’t speak of all men. I have never once said that. Yet I am bound and gagged by these fools constantly having to defend myself against the patriarchy.
Recently, I have gotten opportunities to do activism; to tell my story about being in an abusive relationship. Sometimes it is hard to go back to that place. Actually, it always is. There’s nothing like remembering how a man called you names, how you were a doormat, and how he wantonly cheated on you. Then when I defended myself against him and his cohorts, all of whom had something to say about me, I was a “man hater.” Or I was considered less than because I was a woman, and it was no speaking unless spoken to.
Perhaps this is why I lash out against the patriarchy the way I do. Perhaps it is because I have been bullied, and I am not a fan of bullying in any way. As a result, whenever I see certain attitudes prevalent in men and I hear an expression like, “boys will be boys,” it sickens me. It not only cheapens their gender, but also makes way for a societal double standard that paves the way for feminine embarrassment and abuse. It’s the language we use in our culture, the attitudes, that gives the okay for things like dating violence. While as a whole we do not condone this behavior, we enable it with song lyrics like, “Smack up my bitch.”
Then there are jokes where the punchline is hitting a woman. Whenever I get testy there are male comedians who say that it’s a joke and tell me to “calm down.” The truth is, it’s not a joke when you have been on the receiving end. And as a society we should not calm down. There are plenty of other things that are funny. Abuse of women is not funny. While it might be ha ha at the club, it okays a disgusting behavioral standard that should never be allowed.
Until recently, there were no real laws protecting stalking victims. Even worse, in the mid-twentieth century, whenever the wife called the cops on a husband who was beating her they usually let it go. Legislation in these departments have come a long way. Unfortunately, as a society we forget all too quickly.
In a way I am glad I went through what I did with the ex. Sure I don’t trust or love as easily, but I am smart and can spot a bully and an abusive male with laser vision. I can also spot a man who has a view of women as inferior, and has a complex and therefore will treat them badly. In addition, while having someone in your life is nice, I know it’s far from the end of the world if I don’t have anyone. I know in the end not to depend on a man but rather to depend on myself. This goes for anyone, male or female.
A lot of women break their necks to get married and have children only to divorce anyway. I don’t feel that need to answer to a power structure that pins it on me if it doesn’t work out. I don’t feel the need to conform to some standard, that when lovely is very lovely, but when terrible is nothing but societal imprisonment. I don’t feel the need to yes some man because I don’t want him to leave. I don’t feel the need to serve an outdated model that has made so many feel so unhappy because they felt this is what they needed to do, this is where they needed to be, and this was how they were forced to live.
If you have someone, great.
If not, no biggie. Life goes on. I know from experience I would rather die alone with my puppets than be with a man who takes them away, makes me feel like crap, occasionally hits me, and promises to kill his mother in order to get the insurance money to be with me. All the while making me support him.
While I have made my way into the world as a standup, I find that a boys club where they are as thick as thieves. Once I was told by a male booker that being a woman and looking the way I did would work against me. Then I was basically told by other male bookers that talking about my breakup with my ex in a comedic way made me look bitter. Meanwhile, the routine is about my ex trying to make a comeback, one, and me rejecting him. Second, my so called bitterness is more about me taking my hits onstage like a man instead of laying down like a woman which would be oh so easy for them. Maybe they didn’t like it, but the fans, male and female, do.
I guess my mission is that I want to be the next feminist icon. Perhaps I will be more Wonder Woman and less Gloria Steinem. (But our dear Glo was a Playboy Bunny, ya know). But I want to be that force that makes it safe for young people, especially young women. While I do not exclude young women from my mission statement I am more familiar with being a young woman, because that is my gender identity.
If wanting to smash a double standard that keeps so many down-male and female-makes me a femanazi, I will gladly wear that crown.
If wanting young women to stand up against men that prey on them makes me a femanazi-put that on my vanity plate.
If wanting young women to know that they are worth something makes me a femanazi-I think I will get that tattooed on my bicep.

20 Things I Would Tell Young Women When They Turn 20

Friday, May 4th, 2012
Note: Although this is geared towards women, many can apply to men too. I just geared this towards women because I have been a young woman. 

1. You don't need a man. There is no law in the land that says you need a boyfriend.
2. You don't have enemies, you have girlfriends. They will be the first to stab you in the back.
3. Women are smarter and more perceptive than men and have a stronger pain threshold. Unfortunately, women are too busy fighting among themselves that it will never happen.
4. Never fight over a guy ever. If you end up going head to head with another girl over a guy, it is usually a guy who thinks he is a mac daddy and is lying to the both of you.
5. If a guy is mean and nasty, he won't change if you "love him enough." He is just mean and nasty. That's when you have to ask yourself why you like mean and nasty guys.
6. When you break up with anyone, it is a two way street. He might be a jerk off but you still picked him. Take the good memories and have a laugh when days are rainy. Also, take the lessons you learned and don't let history repeat itself.
7. When out with anyone, pay attention to what comes out of their mouth. Don't write anything off, because this person is showing you who they are.
8. If you want to get back at a man who wronged you, live well. Fulfill your goals and if possible, date a hotter guy.
9. No guy is worth changing yourself for. Yes, you will give up things you love to please this man, but then you will be unhappy. He will dump you and find this next victim, and you will be lost and alone.
10. When your girlfriends say an idea is stupid, most of the time they are just jealous.
11. When a girl comes down your throat for supposedly looking at her boyfriend, it's not about you looking at her boyfriend. It's about the fact he's a dog, he can't be trusted, and she's misdirecting the bullets.
12. Be careful of alcohol. Not only does it make you stupid, but it makes you a moving target. A predator will always be bigger, stronger, and faster as well as devious.
13. Never leave the house looking less than your best. If you look good you will feel good.
14. Don't be afraid to be who you are, there are people who will hate you for it. But there are also people who will love you. Focus your energies on them.
15. Make friends with people who are doing things and going places. Good energy is a good thing.
16. Always have a little black dress and a fake pair of earrings that look like diamonds. You might not be rich but you can feel like it.
17. Yes, guy lie and they lie constantly. And they lie stupidly. Get used to it. But not all guys lie. You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you can kiss a prince.
18. When you don't get what you want, it ends up being a good thing. Often times you get something better.
19. Never hate anyone for being what they are. Find out more about what they are before you cast the first stone. Odds are, you might find a friend. If you don't like the person, make it about the person not about their culture, gender, sexual orientation, faith or anything else.
20. Look in the mirror every morning and tell yourself that you are pretty. You are all you have in this world at the end of the day, so you might as well make friends.

Love yourself, you are the only one you have at the end of the day. 

A little black dress and CZ rocks always make you feel rich as well as look it. 

Had a man lie to you? Get even by being successful. Yes, Minka Kelly's photo boy snapped me in this shot because he recognized me and my Sonny Jones from being on TV. 

Nothing is wasted if you use it wisely. Jenny Kropp took a fan photo of myself and May Wilson at the Wide Open. I am wearing the hat. We covered the event that day. 

Don't be afraid to be who you are. 

Don't change for any man

The first people to shoot you down will be your girlfriends. 

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