Dear The Mann,
I’m writing about my husband.
We’re a normal Super Villain power couple.
He’s your normal everyday super evil guy.
Cape, pointed beard, daddy issues.
But he has a side to him I recently discovered that causes me distress.
Yesterday I found evidence my husband dressed up in my vinyl knife-fighting catsuit!
I don’t think he realized that vinyl doesn’t stretch.
It’s basically destroyed.
I might be jumping to conclusions here but, should I support my man if he wants to be my woman?
I don’t want to get divorced, because we made a commitment, but I don’t want to be a lesbian either!
I look horrible in flannel!
–Confused Connie the Crusher
Dear Confused Conny-Crusher ,
There is an age old adage that fits this situation perfectly.
“If your husband wears your dresses, you better wear the pants in your family.”
-Larry King or Arthur Miller (I forget which)
It sounds like if he crammed himself into your vinyl catsuit, your husband was determined to give you evidence.
Its obvious he is about to do something drastic.
He will probably go in for sexual reassignment surgery.
Don’t fly off the handle like a little girl when I suggest the following solution to all your problems.
Double sex change…stay with me on this.
Don’t you love him?
Were your marriage vows printed on toilet paper?
Are you, unsupportive?
Is that how you want to be thought of…
Well , then one option remains.
Double sex change.
If he won’t wear the pants in the family, you must. Clearly someone has to.
Have you ever heard of a functional female household.
An all female household would surely waste its money on smoke detectors, flood insurance, and/or air conditioning.
Frivolous “ladies” care more about keeping up with building codes, than they do about the important things that add to the resale value of a home.
For example, (and Mrs. The Mann just does not get this!) a barbecue/firepit built into the backyard.
Something that would add thousands of hours of free entertainment and cooking options.
Just an example.
But, Honey? If you’re reading this, for the last time, just consider it. Text me later.
Oh yeah, right, to your thing dear reader.
You need to have an authoritative, masculine figure to make a family strong in today’s America.
With face eating zombies on the loose nationwide, we need penis laden leaders more than ever.
With a fem husband, you will have to fill that role. Welcome to Club Man(n).