The Mann

The Mann:

Monday, June 11th, 2012

Dear The Mann,

I’m writing about my husband.

We’re a normal Super Villain power couple.

He’s your normal everyday super evil guy.

Cape, pointed beard, daddy issues.

But he has a side to him I recently discovered that causes me distress.

Yesterday I found evidence my husband dressed up in my vinyl knife-fighting catsuit!

I don’t think he realized that vinyl doesn’t stretch.

It’s basically destroyed.

Ass!

I might be jumping to conclusions here but, should I support my man if he wants to be my woman?

I don’t want to get divorced, because we made a commitment, but I don’t want to be a lesbian either!

I look horrible in flannel!
Help!!!
–Confused Connie the Crusher

Dear Confused Conny-Crusher ,
There is an age old adage that fits this situation perfectly.

“If your husband wears your dresses, you better wear the pants in your family.”
-Larry King or Arthur Miller (I forget which)

Does he want to be a she or was she always a he in she's clothing? Sheesh!

It sounds like if he crammed himself into your vinyl catsuit, your husband was determined to give you evidence.

Its obvious he is about to do something drastic.

He will probably go in for sexual reassignment surgery.

Don’t fly off the handle like a little girl when I suggest the following solution to all your problems.

Double sex change…stay with me on this.

Don’t you love him?
Were your marriage vows printed on toilet paper?
Are you, unsupportive?

Is that how you want to be thought of…

Well , then one option remains.
Double sex change.

If he won’t wear the pants in the family, you must. Clearly someone has to.

Have you ever heard of a functional female household.

Exactly!

An all female household would surely waste its money on smoke detectors, flood insurance, and/or air conditioning.

Frivolous “ladies” care more about keeping up with building codes, than they do about the important things that add to the resale value of a home.

For example, (and Mrs. The Mann just does not get this!) a barbecue/firepit built into the backyard.

Something that would add thousands of hours of free entertainment and cooking options.

Just an example.

But, Honey? If you’re reading this, for the last time, just consider it. Text me later.

Oh yeah, right, to your thing dear reader.

You need to have an authoritative, masculine figure to make a family strong in today’s America.

With face eating zombies on the loose nationwide, we need penis laden leaders more than ever.

With a fem husband, you will have to fill that role. Welcome to Club Man(n).
–The Mann

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The Mann: The Mann’s Womann

Thursday, May 31st, 2012

Dear The Mann,

This is your wife, I’m writing you to relay a few messages that you haven’t responded to on the fridge.

Taylor needs a haircut after school on Friday.

Don’t drive the Jag, it’s too small, besides with the top down, it messes up your hair.

Pick him up in the minivan because he’ll have his hockey things with him.

Drop him off at the rink after the haircut.

I had to get your shirt dry cleaned because of the stain.

Disgusting.

They should be done at 6 so just stay in town for a couple hours with the minivan.

I’ll be back at 7. What’s for dinner?

And remember NO SNACKING on junk food.

–The Mann’s Wife of 28 years

Dear wife,

How dare you air our grievances to the world!

The fridge communication system is tried and true.

You put up a post-it, I do it.

Simple.

It’s YOU that needs a pow wow every morning to reiterate the days distractions.

Look, I let you keep your little “law practice” when we got married on one condition.

1. You never order me around, like a, like some, househusband.

You’re creating a false impression of our arrangement.

I’m an accomplished and most evil columnist.

This requires skills of textual precision not seen in your cute little legal briefs.

Taylor, or Bill as I would have named him, will get to hockey practice with a new haircut.

Stop obsessing about him or you’ll turn him gay.

The Jag has plenty of room for his things in the trunk.

All Jags can fit two sets of golf clubs in the trunk.

Its a law of the universe.

The minivan move is just to emasculate me, you make me sick.

That stain was not my fault, the cat sneezed.

iIck up some pizza on your way home. Taylor usually wants extra sausage. (My god, it’s starting already!)

And I’ll snack on what I damn well please.

Love you.

–The Mann

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The Mann: Super Villain Unemployment

Thursday, May 10th, 2012

Editor’s Note: Each week our resident know-it-all “The Mann” takes questions from you, our up and coming Super Villains and explains what’s what. Read it. – NF

Face it! It's tough being a sidekick!

Dear The Mann,

I’m an evil graduate student of logic looking for an established Super Villain to kick around with.

I’ve published paper after paper and even wrote a book plotting the destruction of:

The Magnetosphere
The Secret World Government
Many Major Super Heroes
Feelings

I am searching for the recognition I deserve as a great and evil logician sidekick.

My plans are indisputable, but not a single referral or job offer has come my way.

I’m more than qualified to help the right Super Villain bring the earth and its inhabitants to their collective knees.

What am I doing wrong?

–Illogically Unemployed

Dear Ill,

I’m going to ask you an important question. Possibly the most important question you’ve ever been asked:

Are you ugly?

I ask, because you have detailed an impressive resume which leads me to believe you are well read and probably also slightly clammy to the touch.

You’ve probably read somewhere that beauty is on the inside.

Well, photos of your insides wont convince Super Villains to hire you if photos of your face are ugly.

So what can you, you ugly, ugly person do?

Its simple: Cosmetic surgery.

A few, easy treatments that should include, but not be limited to, breast augmentation, tummy tucks, and the new Dexatrim intravenous pump (for those last 5 pounds).

The final addition of permanent eyelash lengthening and tinting will allow Super Villains to look past your once hideous face and see that figuratively beautiful brain.

Next, be sure any new book has a front and back cover portrait.

Men don’t mind pretty women writing books.

It’s cute.

But when a homely woman writes a book, it is inevitably sad.

Lookin at you, Plath!

And as for the book itself and listen up now, because this one is important. (Ann Coulter’s secret*)

ONE WORD TITLE. Such as

Kill
Destroy
Puppies

It’s the best way to attract “the masses”**.
Good luck and give me 10% of the book’s profits.
–The Mann

*Not the one where she’s a man.
**when you say “the masses” really quick it sounds like “dumbasses” which is the actual truth of who they are.

-The Mann has answers. If you quit your yappin’ you might learn a thing or two.

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The Mann: Kevin

Thursday, May 3rd, 2012

Editor’s Note: Each week our resident know-it-all “The Mann” takes questions from you, our up and coming Super Villains and explains what’s what. Read it. – NF

Jason and Mom Team Up on The Shooting of Ice Cube's Latest Friday Movie

Dear The Mann,

I’m a truly evil villainess with a son who could have a long career in villainy ahead of him, but I have a problem.

His father “died” when he was a baby, and I’m worried, without an evil male influence, he may not mature fully.

Lately, my son Hex, he’s been…

Umm.

Well he’s done a few things that some would describe as …Good!

Last week, I caught him helping an old lady across the street. He could have at least snagged her social security check or something.

Yesterday, he did his homework before playing on his game cube (he never even asked for a PS3).

But the last straw came today, he asked me to call him by his new name, “Kevin”. WTF???

I want this boy evil, like his mom.

When I was his age I was starting brush fires in the hollywood hills on weekends for a laugh.

I tried to get him started in arson, but he told me in a jolly voice “only you can prevent forest fires”.

He quotes PSA’s!

He’s even giving names to the henchmen.

The Mann, help me, because at this rate my boy, may one day…go to college.

–Couldey Begood?

Dear Couldey,

This calls for emergency actions!

Follow these instructions exactly or he’ll be parting his hair in no time:

The only way to save this boy is to sacrifice yourself.

And by that I mean, tell him he’s adopted and that you killed his real mother.

Next, promptly disappear leaving him penniless. Nothing scars a child like growing up a destitute orphan, but a destitute orphan hellbent on a mission to find his real mom’s killer?

Priceless!

Trust me when I say he’s in a perfect place, to turn out evil.

Really evil.

Rick Santorum evil.

The kind of evil we haven’t seen since the good old days of 1066. (Hastings, google it)

You can monitor him from afar for years, then, when the time is right, reappear and reveal you actually are his mother.

That will really make him twisted.

You may be asking yourself, “Isn’t this a little extreme?”

All I can say to that is, there are lengths that people will go to in times of socio-familial pressure that are perhaps misguided, but this is NOT one of those times! This is the time to save your evil family tree!

I’m certain that, if left untreated, “Kevin” will be wearing penny loafers and listing to U2, unless you act now.

So Act now!

–The Mann

-The Mann has answers. If you quit your yappin’ you might learn a thing or two.

Posted in comic book blog, Evil, Evil News Daily, Friday the 13th, Horror, super villain advice, The Mann | Comments Off

The Mann: In The Moon

Wednesday, April 25th, 2012

Editor’s Note: Each week our resident know-it-all “The Mann” takes questions from you, our up and coming Super Villains and explains what’s what. Read it. – NF

Dear The Mann,

My plans for lunar conquest have hit a snag.

I’ve had terrible cramps and spotting ever since I arrived on the dark side of the moon to build my secret moontastic base.

As the first super villainess on the moon I’m filled with evil pride in my accomplishment, at the same time I’m disappointed in my reproductive system’s inability to hold a fucking uterine lining.

Has my cycle gone haywire due to my proximity to the moon?

What the fuck?

–Miserable, menstrual, on the Moon

Dear MMMoony,

GET OFF THE MOON BEFORE YOU DIE!

Its sounds like the earth has gravametrically replaced your body’s lunar-tied menstrual cycle.

Meaning, If my calculations are correct, as the earth is four times larger in diameter, thus 49 times larger in volume, thus 81 times larger in mass, your period is about to be 81 times more massive than before.

While your “accomplishment” is “impressive”, it would be far less impressive to be known as the first woman whose vagina exploded on the moon.

My advice? Settle down with a nice super villain and let him and his non-vagina plagued body do the heavy lunar lifting for you

go see The Selective Society of Super Villains’ resident gyno Dr. Edward Speculum Hands and get that nasty hole thing removed from your body before you go back into space.

Remember, in space, no one can hear you scream, but they can tell if your vagina explodes.

–The Mann

-The Mann has answers. If you quit your yappin’ you might learn a thing or two.

Posted in Advice for women, Evil News Daily, exploding vaginas, The Man, The Mann, women in space | Comments Off

The Mann!

Monday, April 9th, 2012

Listen Ladies,

You want respect in the workplace?

You have to earn it.

And the way to earn that respect is through pay disparity.

You’re thinking, “Hang on The Mann, slow down you’re making too much sense.”

Exactly.

Look Ladies, besides hookering (the world’s oldest and sexiest profession), men have been in the workplace waaaay longer than you.

So, you’ve got to put in your time and show us men respect.

And you’ll show it to us through pay disparity.

Only for like 20 more years* and then we’ll talk.

“But The Mann, without equal pay I won’t have enough money to survive in today’s rough and tumble world.”

How Much you need?

Damn Girl? That much?

What you need it for?

Well obviously you’re not even ready to handle the extra burden this money would cause.

So relax, Chicken, I’ll give you money if you need it.

That extra money pay disparity gives us men, will just trickle back into your female economy through guys like me buying you dinner, flowers, a day at the spa and morning after pills.

You know the essentials for romance.

Besides, pretty girl like you, play your cards right, you’ll be scooped up by a wealthy suitor in no time.

You don’t really want equality do you? Cause equality goes both ways (just like I hope you do).

Yeah, how about men start griping about being bloated every time there’s a full moon.

Or would it be okay if men start interjecting about birth like “Quit complaining at least you get maternity leave” or “I’ve had eight pound shits before, I’m sure I could handle squeezing out a living one.”

Equality can’t come from a battle of the sexies, no. It has to come from a government mandate, and on a mandate there are no ladies!

Fellas know what I’m talking about. Right Fellas? Right? Right!

Authority comes from a man, a man who has earned respect, like Donald Trump, Kris Humphries, or Ann Coulter.

Besides, why bother kicking up a fuss over voting or “harassment,” when I’m hungry and dinner ain’t gonna cook itself, sweetie-pie.

So’s enough with the yapping and get to the cooking.

I bring home the bacon therefore you make it. [By the way honey, if you're reading this, could you pick up some bacon when you do the shopping later. I forget the name of the brand but you know the one I like. Its the one thats sliced and wrapped in plastic.]

Here are four reasons for abandoning this pay equality charade:

1. Suffragettes never get dates.

2. Picket signs make you look fat.

3. Your father would not approve.

4. It’s unattractive.

There now that I’ve convinced you to stop wasting time on silly “rights,” how about you spend your free time doing something worthwhile and sit on my lap and make me a martini?

If you feel something moving down there, relax. Its just Mr. Mann’s column.

The Mann

*unlimited extensions

Posted in Evil News Daily, frankly monster dick, pay disparity, The Mann | Comments Off

The Mann

The Mann:

The Mann: The Mann’s Womann

The Mann: Super Villain Unemployment

The Mann: Kevin

The Mann: In The Moon

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