F@*k you fake memorials!
Stiffling back one tear one day per year,
While the other 364 days you couldn’t give two sh!ts.
F@*k you Memorial Day sale and Memorial Day BBQ,
F@*k you politicians who lower flags to half mast and deliver passionate speeches about how we must honor our troops on Monday only to turn around on Tuesday and not act on any of the things you spoke about the day before.
F@*k past tense memorializing, try present tense taking actions to support our troops at home and abroad.
F@*k you fake memorials!
Editor’s Note: Each week our resident know-it-all “The Mann” takes questions from you, our up and coming Super Villains and explains what’s what. Read it. – NF
Dear The Mann,
I’m an evil graduate student of logic looking for an established Super Villain to kick around with.
I’ve published paper after paper and even wrote a book plotting the destruction of:
I am searching for the recognition I deserve as a great and evil logician sidekick.
My plans are indisputable, but not a single referral or job offer has come my way.
I’m more than qualified to help the right Super Villain bring the earth and its inhabitants to their collective knees.
What am I doing wrong?
I’m going to ask you an important question. Possibly the most important question you’ve ever been asked:
Are you ugly?
I ask, because you have detailed an impressive resume which leads me to believe you are well read and probably also slightly clammy to the touch.
You’ve probably read somewhere that beauty is on the inside.
Well, photos of your insides wont convince Super Villains to hire you if photos of your face are ugly.
So what can you, you ugly, ugly person do?
Its simple: Cosmetic surgery.
A few, easy treatments that should include, but not be limited to, breast augmentation, tummy tucks, and the new Dexatrim intravenous pump (for those last 5 pounds).
The final addition of permanent eyelash lengthening and tinting will allow Super Villains to look past your once hideous face and see that figuratively beautiful brain.
Next, be sure any new book has a front and back cover portrait.
Men don’t mind pretty women writing books.
But when a homely woman writes a book, it is inevitably sad.
Lookin at you, Plath!
And as for the book itself and listen up now, because this one is important. (Ann Coulter’s secret*)
ONE WORD TITLE. Such as
It’s the best way to attract “the masses”**.
Good luck and give me 10% of the book’s profits.
*Not the one where she’s a man.
**when you say “the masses” really quick it sounds like “dumbasses” which is the actual truth of who they are.
-The Mann has answers. If you quit your yappin’ you might learn a thing or two.
Editor’s Note: Day 3 of my expose on the Douch-vengers brings me around to the Inaccurate Iron Man.
My God, but that man is tanked all the time!
I swear he threw up in his own helmet when we were fighting.
Plus he’s so drunk that he doesn’t even make any sense when you’re talking to him.
Here’s an example of one of our “in fight” conversations”
NF: I, Nefarious Mustache, will defeat you, Iron “Man”!
IM: You are 12 feet tall and covered with moths.
IM: Your face has a monkey crawling out of it!
NF: That’s not accurate at all! Are you drunk? You smell like my father.
IM: Puerto Rico is the capitol of New Jersey.
NF: Again, totally inaccurate Iron Man! Puerto Rico is a common wealth of The United States and Trenton is the capitol of New Jersey…wait why am I even answering you? Is this a diversionary tactic? Is Nick Fury going to come out and punch me in the throat again or something?
IM: La la la la…
NF: My god! Are you peeing? Don’t you have a pee slot or something you can open? Oh lord, you know what? Just fight yourself, I’m leaving.
IM: Grapes are plums that were left in the sun!
NF: Again! Totally inaccurate, you’re thinking of prunes. I’m out!
As you can see, The Inaccurate Iron Man is just about the douchiest guy you could have a conversation with.
Tomorrow: Nick Fury – Master Of Disguise or Simply a Douchebag?
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