Editor’s Note: Each week our resident know-it-all “The Mann” takes questions from you, our up and coming Super Villains and explains what’s what. Read it. – NF

Face it! It's tough being a sidekick!

Dear The Mann,

I’m an evil graduate student of logic looking for an established Super Villain to kick around with.

I’ve published paper after paper and even wrote a book plotting the destruction of:

• The Magnetosphere
• The Secret World Government
• Many Major Super Heroes
• Feelings

I am searching for the recognition I deserve as a great and evil logician sidekick.

My plans are indisputable, but not a single referral or job offer has come my way.

I’m more than qualified to help the right Super Villain bring the earth and its inhabitants to their collective knees.

What am I doing wrong?

–Illogically Unemployed

Dear Ill,

I’m going to ask you an important question. Possibly the most important question you’ve ever been asked:

Are you ugly?

I ask, because you have detailed an impressive resume which leads me to believe you are well read and probably also slightly clammy to the touch.

You’ve probably read somewhere that beauty is on the inside.

Well, photos of your insides wont convince Super Villains to hire you if photos of your face are ugly.

So what can you, you ugly, ugly person do?

Its simple: Cosmetic surgery.

A few, easy treatments that should include, but not be limited to, breast augmentation, tummy tucks, and the new Dexatrim intravenous pump (for those last 5 pounds).

The final addition of permanent eyelash lengthening and tinting will allow Super Villains to look past your once hideous face and see that figuratively beautiful brain.

Next, be sure any new book has a front and back cover portrait.

Men don’t mind pretty women writing books.

It’s cute.

But when a homely woman writes a book, it is inevitably sad.

Lookin at you, Plath!

And as for the book itself and listen up now, because this one is important. (Ann Coulter’s secret*)

ONE WORD TITLE.  Such as

• Kill
• Destroy
• Puppies

It’s the best way to attract “the masses”**.
Good luck and give me 10% of the book’s profits.
–The Mann

*Not the one where she’s a man.
**when you say “the masses” really quick it sounds like “dumbasses” which is the actual truth of who they are.

-The Mann has answers. If you quit your yappin’ you might learn a thing or two.