Some of it is being a perfectionist. I was always a good student. I was always driven. Some of it is being a woman. I am raised to be a people pleaser because of my gender. We all are. Of course being a woman who takes a leadership position I have to be "nice" because then I am labeled a "bitch."
Yesterday I was forced to choose between two engagements. Both were good. One I had booked weeks in advance and the other was a last minute thing. I could have done both but the second moved to CT. I tried. Then the first one was cancelled. I had to see if I could get the second but a coworker of mine had already booked it. It's fine. It wasn't in the cards. Fuck me for trying to make everyone happy. Then I booked another gig, but had to cancel that because they decided the first one was back on. At the end of the day I wanted to fuck everyone with a big, black dildo. Not just any big black dildo, a monster dong. And it was going anal baby!
On top of that I went into my other folder and saw fifty unanswered fan letters. The thing about having fans is that you always want to make them happy because they love you without knowing you which is magic. I love to get to know them and insist on answering every letter personally. I am always so afraid of disappointing my fans too in a way. Everyone is when they first get a following. I always want to put out things that speak to them. And then I wonder, will my fans think I am tall enough? Stupid stuff. That made me feel like a failure.
As I was bemoaning my problems on the sidewalk, a nice construction worker type saw me. I was literally crying there like a mature adult. This construction worker dude saw me and asked me what was wrong. I wanted to tell him to get fucked. I was in no mood to talk to men. That is when he picked up my laundry bag and carried it to the laundromat. The annoying feminist in me shut up and thanked him. I admitted I was overwhelmed at work. That is when he told me he managed fifty one buildings in Manhattan and wished he had a zipper in the center of him because he too, was being pulled every which way.
I felt better for a bit and then melted down like a mature adult to my mother on the phone. My mom put it in perspective. That if I wasnt in NYC I wouldn't have either opportunity. I told my mother how overwhelmed I felt and she said that sometimes when good things happen they can smother us. My mother however, was quick to point out one must always have perspective. That keeps you grateful and keeps you from losing your mind. I have always insisted God speaks through my mother. While she drives me nuts-calling me as early as 6 AM sometimes because she is organizing one of my book signings-she is the woman who gave birth to me so she's allowed.
While I lost the high profile star studded gig I got some great news from LA on a project I am doing. It actually made up for the fact I lost the star studded gig.
The day ended with me crying to a friend of mine over a slice of pizza in the village again. Note, there was a lot of crying yesterday. My friend reminded me that our best is all we can do. She also reminded me about how I always wanted this career and should be grateful I am WORKING. I told my friend I was still Naomi Campbell cellphone throwing pissed. That is when my friend stated, "April, you can't always win the trophy."
My friend was right. I couldn't always win for as much as I wanted to. She also stated that these days, while I was concerned about letting my fans down, I had fans and I needed to concentrate on that. While I am still getting used to the idea of an assistant, I have one of those too.
I have the dreams and the career I have always wanted. Some of it is getting used to the demands of my new life. I know I will be fine. I am a workaholic. I also think deep down it's that fear that I don't deserve anything good. A fear that I won't get what I want while at the same time fearing I will get what I want. And then on top of that excited that things are falling into place after years of planning, paying my dues, poverty, and hard work. And then there is a part of me that wonders if this is real. But it is...
I just think for as crazy as everyone is making me, I have to remember to keep things in perspective, have an attitude of gratitude.
But also that I can't always win the trophy.
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl