Call the New York Comedy World Hotline at 212-501-3766 for the latest open mic, new talent and industry showcase news! Updated daily!

my strange addiciton

Can’t Always Win the Trophy

Thursday, August 22nd, 2013
This whole week has been insane. Everyone has been pulling me different ways. Sometimes they both yank my scalp at the same time. Sometimes they yank my arms. I guess this is what happens when you have a career. People expect you to do things. There have been some things that have been hard. Namingly people. Some are overdemanding. Some are children who happen to have adult bodies and want what they want and they want it NOW. Of course there are those who just want me to be two places at once. Or then there are those who value their personal lives more than their careers therefore expecting me to pick up the slack because they choose to get laid. Yes, I will say it. When you choose ass you are an ass.

Some of it is being a perfectionist. I was always a good student. I was always driven. Some of it is being a woman. I am raised to be a people pleaser because of my gender. We all are. Of course being a woman who takes a leadership position I have to be "nice" because then I am labeled a "bitch."

Yesterday I was forced to choose between two engagements. Both were good. One I had booked weeks in advance and the other was a last minute thing. I could have done both but the second moved to CT. I tried. Then the first one was cancelled. I had to see if I could get the second but a coworker of mine had already booked it. It's fine. It wasn't in the cards. Fuck me for trying to make everyone happy. Then I booked another gig, but had to cancel that because they decided the first one was back on. At the end of the day I wanted to fuck everyone with a big, black dildo. Not just any big black dildo, a monster dong. And it was going anal baby!

On top of that I went into my other folder and saw fifty unanswered fan letters. The thing about having fans is that you always want to make them happy because they love you without knowing you which is magic. I love to get to know them and insist on answering every letter personally. I am always so afraid of disappointing my fans too in a way. Everyone is when they first get a following. I always want to put out things that speak to them. And then I wonder, will my fans think I am tall enough? Stupid stuff. That made me feel like a failure.

As I was bemoaning my problems on the sidewalk, a nice construction worker type saw me. I was literally crying there like a mature adult. This construction worker dude saw me and asked me what was wrong. I wanted to tell him to get fucked. I was in no mood to talk to men. That is when he picked up my laundry bag and carried it to the laundromat. The annoying feminist in me shut up and thanked him. I admitted I was overwhelmed at work. That is when he told me he managed fifty one buildings in Manhattan and wished he had a zipper in the center of him because he too, was being pulled every which way.

I felt better for a bit and then melted down like a mature adult to my mother on the phone. My mom put it in perspective. That if I wasnt in NYC I wouldn't have either opportunity. I told my mother how overwhelmed I felt and she said that sometimes when good things happen they can smother us. My mother however, was quick to point out one must always have perspective. That keeps you grateful and keeps you from losing your mind. I have always insisted God speaks through my mother. While she drives me nuts-calling me as early as 6 AM sometimes because she is organizing one of my book signings-she is the woman who gave birth to me so she's allowed.

While I lost the high profile star studded gig I got some great news from LA on a project I am doing. It actually made up for the fact I lost the star studded gig.

The day ended with me crying to a friend of mine over a slice of pizza in the village again. Note, there was a lot of crying yesterday. My friend reminded me that our best is all we can do. She also reminded me about how I always wanted this career and should be grateful I am WORKING. I told my friend I was still Naomi Campbell cellphone throwing pissed. That is when my friend stated, "April, you can't always win the trophy."

My friend was right. I couldn't always win for as much as I wanted to. She also stated that these days, while I was concerned about letting my fans down, I had fans and I needed to concentrate on that. While I am still getting used to the idea of an assistant, I have one of those too.

I have the dreams and the career I have always wanted. Some of it is getting used to the demands of my new life. I know I will be fine. I am a workaholic. I also think deep down it's that fear that I don't deserve anything good. A fear that I won't get what I want while at the same time fearing I will get what I want. And then on top of that excited that things are falling into place after years of planning, paying my dues, poverty, and hard work. And then there is a part of me that wonders if this is real. But it is...

I just think for as crazy as everyone is making me, I have to remember to keep things in perspective, have an attitude of gratitude.

But also that I can't always win the trophy.

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

Kiss My Ass-Another Fan Encounter

Sunday, November 18th, 2012
I was walking down the street in my Hell's Kitchen neighborhood when this woman walks by in her leather boots. She was fierce I tell you, Sasha Fierce, Fiercy McFierston. Anyway I complimented her on her boots and she had a male companion with her. He turns around and says, "You're that puppet chick from TLC!?!? I just saw you on TV." WOWSA. JUST SAW ME ON TV?!?!? Sure my puppet kiddies and I have been on the tele quite a few times in America as well as the rest of the planet but I still get warm and fuzzy when I hear it.

"Yes, that would be me." I said sheepishly.

I got Sonny out, the man who lives rent free in my purse. The man who is always trying to pick up women but is never successful. The man who is and always will be a bachelor. The puppet destined to be the 40 year old virgin of our generation. So the girl who is mad fierce begins talking to Sonny. She asks if Sonny thinks that she is cute and Sonny says yes. She asks if Sonny can send her flowers and Sonny says he doesn't pay for women anymore, that they must take him out to dinner. So the girl says this is unacceptable and the only way Sonny can win favor with her is to kiss her butt. Now I don't know what is crazier. The fact that this woman is talking to Sonny as if he were a real man, the fact that I don't know what to do, or the fact her gay friend is getting this whole thing on camera!

"Kiss my ass puppet. You know you want to." She says and points to her derriere. So I know what to do, the camera is on. Sonny kisses her butt.

"Buy me flowers by two o'clock." She commanded and Sonny promised he would. The two walked off into the sunset and I found myself smiling. The whole thing is still cracking me up.

But Sonny is the typical man. Getting physical action and then making promises that he never intends to keep.


I told them to follow me on twitter. Perhaps they will buy my book.

Either way, I am (almost) a superstar. Better ride that cloud. I have a sink that needs Drano and when I get home tomorrow my mother is going to make me cook, clean, and vacuum.

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Available on Amazon

Loser of the Week: Octomom

Thursday, April 26th, 2012
I hate this woman. I think Nadya Suleman is a breeding lump and a waste of flesh. In a skype broadcast she called her children "eight pieces of poop," when talking about how much work it was to raise them. She is addicted to popping out babies which is not only unhealthy for her body but unhealthy for the children she is raising. This bizarre freak believes she is entitled to food stamps and other government benefits when meanwhile not only did she choose to be a single mother, but she chooses to keep having children.

I want to deck this woman in her plastic surgeried face and then kick her right in her uterus because she is so freaking disgusting. My parents are both from large families. My dad is the second of seven and my mom is the first of six. While they love their parents and siblings, it wasn't easy coming from a big family. When my mom married my dad, she was overjoyed to get her own closet and drawer. When my brother moved out of the house for college, she got her own room, something she has never had ever. As kids, when we took family vacations this was a new adventure for my dad because his family was always too poor to take vacations. Not to mention he is fifteen years older than my youngest aunt, who was four when our grandpa died. Therefore, my dad did a lot of the dad stuff with her. Again, while I love my large extended family there were times where growing up with a lot of people in the house wasn't easy. This was because there parents were very Catholic and at the time the Catholic church, disregarding people as usual, disallowed birth control. Thus producing these huge families.

My grandparents had a lot of kids because people did it at the time. This bitch is doing it on purpose.

When my grandfather died my grandmother was barely entitled to his benefits. My dad was college aged and on his own and both of my aunts were married. She still had four kids in the house. The government gave her a hard time, and it was especially hard since my aunt and uncle were quite small. My grandmother didn't choose to become a single mother. This reject who doesn't care about her children and cares more about getting cut to look like Angelina Jolie did.

What's worse is that it's reported these children are living in squalor. They are using pots in the backyard to pee. They are eating off the floor. It is because not only is their mother a sick medical experiment gone wrong, but she is a fucking cunt with no regard for other human beings other than reproducing them for her own self-aggrandizement.

To make matters worse, these children were running around unsupervised while this fat fucking breeding lump was getting her hair done.

I think we need to take those kids away to families who will care for them properly and parents who know their priorities. Being a parent is not about getting your hair done. It is about making sure your children are well cared for. It is about putting your children before yourself. I know my mother missed plenty of things she could have been doing for herself because we needed things/got sick. It goes with the territory. Then again, my mother is one thing Octoslut isn't, a good parent and an upstanding human being.

I think we also need Octomom to step into the middle of the road and have a mac truck hit her. Seriously, the world would be better off without that waste of flesh.

But instead I think we should boycott her, sending a larger message that one shouldn't get publicity for being mentally ill as well as a bad parent.

You would never see my puppet children being so maligned and poorly cared for.
Octomom and her "eight pieces of poop." Endearing. They look tired and malnourished your worthless bitch.  Stop with the tired look too. You are a leech, a parasite, and maybe you will do us all a favor and die ridding the world of your smelly fucking breeding body you waste of fucking flesh. If you ever want to kill yourself I will give you some suggestions. 

These puppet children are happy, well cared for, and  know that they are loved. Not the house of Octomom

Mission Statement

New York Comedy World strives to be a one stop show for everything in the New York Comedy scene…It is a site where you can purchase tickets to some of New York’s best Stand Up venues…We also sell tickets to New York’s best Improv, Sketch and One-Person shows…

There is a Comedian Resource section…This is a place where comics may be able to see choices in Comedy Schools, Seminars, Open Mics, New Talent Showcase & Industry Showcases…It also features Gigmomma, a new and innovative site that matches performers with people looking for talent…

It is also filled with additional content…You will find info on stand up comedy festivals, great podcasts, featured articles by great columnists about the comedy business. And some very funny videos…We hope you enjoy!