Editor’s Note: Each week our resident know-it-all “The Mann” takes questions from you, our up and coming Super Villains and explains what’s what. Read it. – NF
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Dear The Mann,
I’m a truly evil villainess with a son who could have a long career in villainy ahead of him, but I have a problem.
His father “died” when he was a baby, and I’m worried, without an evil male influence, he may not mature fully.
Lately, my son Hex, he’s been…
Well he’s done a few things that some would describe as …Good!
Last week, I caught him helping an old lady across the street. He could have at least snagged her social security check or something.
Yesterday, he did his homework before playing on his game cube (he never even asked for a PS3).
But the last straw came today, he asked me to call him by his new name, “Kevin”. WTF???
I want this boy evil, like his mom.
When I was his age I was starting brush fires in the hollywood hills on weekends for a laugh.
I tried to get him started in arson, but he told me in a jolly voice “only you can prevent forest fires”.
He quotes PSA’s!
He’s even giving names to the henchmen.
The Mann, help me, because at this rate my boy, may one day…go to college.
This calls for emergency actions!
Follow these instructions exactly or he’ll be parting his hair in no time:
The only way to save this boy is to sacrifice yourself.
And by that I mean, tell him he’s adopted and that you killed his real mother.
Next, promptly disappear leaving him penniless. Nothing scars a child like growing up a destitute orphan, but a destitute orphan hellbent on a mission to find his real mom’s killer?
Trust me when I say he’s in a perfect place, to turn out evil.
Rick Santorum evil.
The kind of evil we haven’t seen since the good old days of 1066. (Hastings, google it)
You can monitor him from afar for years, then, when the time is right, reappear and reveal you actually are his mother.
That will really make him twisted.
You may be asking yourself, “Isn’t this a little extreme?”
All I can say to that is, there are lengths that people will go to in times of socio-familial pressure that are perhaps misguided, but this is NOT one of those times! This is the time to save your evil family tree!
I’m certain that, if left untreated, “Kevin” will be wearing penny loafers and listing to U2, unless you act now.
So Act now!
-The Mann has answers. If you quit your yappin’ you might learn a thing or two.