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Today is My Mom’s Birthday and She’s Not Happy About It

Monday, March 7th, 2016
Today is my Mom’s birthday and she’s not happy about it. How can she be? She (and she is not alone in this) has succumbed to the constant subliminal and overt cultural messages that discount the...

Brain Surgery

Wednesday, September 25th, 2013
Today I ran into an old friend that I had not seen in years. The last time I had seen her she was getting ready to have her first child. She's a stepmom to her husband's older twins from a previous marriage. Whatever the story is, she seems like she adores her stepkids and life in general with her current husband who by the way gave her a nice ring. WOWSA. We caught up and she mentioned her stepson, the boy in the set of fraternal twins, had brain surgery.

I asked her what happened. She told me he is epileptic. This was one of two he had. As she spoke about it, she mentioned during dinner at the high holy days he was showing the pictures, and in the hospital he was ripping the IV out of his arm. Of course this grossed everyone else out but he is a seventeen year old boy. They love guts, gore, and too much information. Sickness and health does not change that. We laughed about how it takes men forever to grow up.

Then I thought about it. As women we talk about our feelings and tend to over emotionalize everything and everyone. Men, they don't. They stuff them down until they think they will go away, and unfortunately they don't. Or better yet, they laugh about it. In that way, men are beyond women because they don't take themselves let alone anything that easily. So yes, the showing of the gross pictures and the ripping the IV and running around the hospital with his friends was this young man's way of coping.

My birthday is tomorrow. It seems like my years have flown by. Is life what I want it to be? Yes and no. I have fulfilled some of the things on my bucket list. In other respects, I am not where I thought I would be. This point in my life looks different than I thought it would. Not better, not worse, but different. I was hit with a weird depression. I have nothing to complain about really. Some of it is fear. I have been in this place before in my life where things were moving forward and all of a sudden the wheels stalled. I am so scared of going to that place again. 

Someone I ran into recently, a fellow actress and writer, mentioned that instead of fear one should transform those feelings into excitement. Maybe it is the aches and pains I have been feeling lately. My gym time has been thrown off because of my physical ailments. Oye vey. The thing about pain is it makes you depressed. Then I am doing some cool things with my writing and more on that later. Still in the never ending process of releasing the audiobook. My musical is coming along. Got scouted for an exciting project and have others. Things are hippedy hopping.

On my way back from a telegram delivery I saw someone from my past who used to be rather supportive of me. Instead of saying hello he turned as not to speak to me, giving me the big diss. I didn't understand it. He used to be really supportive. Had I said something to him? Just then it occurred to me. He was nice to me because he didn't view me as a threat. All of a sudden I am on TV, writing books and blah de blah. A friend once explained that I shouldn't take that crap personally. My success would not be easy for everyone. That is when I gave myself a pat on the back. His idiot action meant I was doing something right. 

So, he, not I needs brain surgery.

I am not afraid. This next year of my life I will be excited. I should be proud. Every once in a while our minds need to be cut up whether it's physically or metaphorically.

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl

Happy Black Men

Thursday, February 21st, 2013
They say getting old is a privilege because noteverybody gets to do it. Well, not everybody gets herpes either. Where’s theprivilege in that? In our youth-obsessed culture, growing older is the...

Growing and Changing: My Christmas Blog

Wednesday, December 26th, 2012
Christmas sometimes is a holiday for the young. I guess it is the whole Santa thing. A white haired guy breaks all physical barriers and slides down the chimey despite his size and the fact it killed the girl's father in Gremlins 2. Adults find fault. Children believe readily.

The whole concept of growing and changing started yesterday. My Aunt Jeanie's dog is getting bigger. I mean bear size. Burlgars beware. My cousins Colt and Legran are getting older in school. One injured his foot doing Parkour in the back yard to his mother's chagrin. Then my cousin Mindy announced she was pregnant.

Not just pregnant with one baby but WITH TWINS!!! Wait a hot minute. Does your mother know? Did you tell your husband? I remember when she was a beautiful dancer with city ballet and weight gain let alone pregnancy were the last things she wanted. Now she will be gaining plenty of weight. Now she will be eating all the iced cream and pizza she was never allowed to eat as a dancer. But twins! How time flies. This is insane. I thought it was insane when Wendell married Veronique. Now Wendell is talking about his feelings. This is all too much as my grandparents have not one great grandchild but three.

Meara was with her boyfriend, yes a steady in Georgia. Skipper is graduating medical school and going to be a real doctor. She's bright. She's an adult. But in my eyes she is still my baby sister, slipping in my bed when she has nightmares at seven years old; taking my covers. Kicking me. Being the worst bed fellow ever. But now she is no longer Skipper but Dr. Skipper.

My grandfather got his eyes fixed and he read my whole book. So age is changing some for the better.

On my dad's side my cousin Jayce's boyfriend saw me on Korean TV. I like Brendan. I hope he sticks around. I can wait for a wedding. Jennika also has a boyfriend. She is so young I don't know that it is serious. Mema wants a grandbaby though. Rob Fran, my trumpet playing cousin, released his first album but will probably be a bachelor forever. It's not that he doesn't love you baby, he loves everyone. The curse of those of us born under Libra. My grandma asked me and I was like hell no! Baby would be the last thing I wanted. Then she asked about my cousin Kacie who has been with her boyfriend Mike forever. Oh no. Kacie wants to travel the world and possibly get breast implants because her cousin on the other side did. I think she is a snappy lil number but oh well....

But then she said Kristoff would get married-yes the quiet trombone player in the Notre Dame band. The one Manti T'eo signed the Heisman ball for. And we all burst out laughing. Kacie, Mike and I discussed the wedding. We said it would be a duress, disaster, and a surprise. Who would do such a thing? Not me.

My baby cousin's, all four adopted from Russia, are growing up so quick. I remember them when they were small. They were checking the weather in Moscow. Nineteen degrees. That's warm for this time of year and it is only getting colder. Thank God for America.

My baby cousin Matthew, who I remember when he was little but not so little anymore, made the high school All-Star Team.

My other cousin Jesse and my cousin Apollo danced to a Wii game, while Andre played on his phone. Yes, that is what the kids are getting.

I feel old in some ways. Sophisticated that I am accomplishing things. But still unsure of how to handle this whole grown up thing with dignity and grace. Sometimes it is great to know I have freedom, sometimes it sucks because if I break the law they can stick a needle in my arm-no, not the stuff to get me high. The stuff to kill me. As time flies I want to know what happened to my youth and some of my dreams. Granted, sometimes they were more work than intended but still, what happened to time?

As part of me forges ahead and talks about my plans I feel like a Peter Pan's Lost Boy Rufio being left behind in the fairy dust. Despite my TV time I don't own a TV or bed because they cost money. I may always be poor and have surrendered myself to that. I have no husband or man in my sites. I might never marry let alone have children. It's just my puppets, my books, my jokes, my stage time, my TV appearances, and a warm cup of tea and Lifetime Movie in a chilly winter's eve.

But then my Mema, who is trying to break out of the nursing home, who defies doctor's orders tells me she catalogues all the books she reads. The journal is kept in her underwear drawer. I am entry 2000. She has done this practice since she was a little girl. Somethings never change. And it is all for the better.

I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Girl
Available on Amazon

Come to my book signing
December 27, 2012 @ 7pm (tomorrow)
Bethel Park Library
5100 West Library Ave
Bethel Park, PA 15102

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