Addiction

Grateful

Friday, April 5th, 2013

I have been in a rut the last few weeks. Granted, it has been sort of my own shit coupled with familial drama and cosigning my own shit. Not to mention Wednesday at work was real rough. Just some phone drama. Long story. Dont feel like talking about it. My boss is a great man though. Still just the usual BS.

Yesterday I reached a whole new low when I just wanted to walk into the freaking river and disappear. Not drown. That would involve death and a funeral is a pain in the ass to plan. I would just disappear into the sunset with a sign nailed to my door that read, "Dear Asshole, April has gone away never to return. If you want to find her, go fuck yourself."

As I just felt this hellacious depression akin to death set over me I found myself in a convo with my friend. This particular friend is a good soul who knew me when things were starting to get rough in my life. We fell out of touch cause that just happens sometimes and a lot happened in between. But the planets and stars aligned and our paths crossed once again. I mentioned something and then he ended up innocently pressing me for details and I ended up revealing a part of my life that he doesn't know about. Mind you he is a true friend and didnt judge me. But it just felt awkward.

That is where the shame set in. I still remember being POW skinny and a mess. With me tethered was a psychotic ex fiance who happened to be stalking me at the time. When we were together I was his punching bag. I remember the sunglasses and the coffee and how I just let that SOB run my life. I remember how he told me him or the puppets. I remember how I had to get a different mailing address. Oh and then my mom had his name on the refrigerator in case I disappeared. Then there was the promise he made that he would kill his mother to get her insurance policy. That way we could set up house. Yes, want to know more details? Want to know how he used to harass guys I was dating after we broke up and how my life became a nightmare? Didnt think so. And that is just the tip of the iceberg.

I have written and performed about that part of my life quite a bit. It still doesnt make it go away though. The walk down memory lane was weird. My buddy meant no harm. Again he didnt judge me. I was pointing the finger and calling myself names like I always do when this happens.

Then I realized I was out of that part of my life. It is the past. There is only two ways I could let it haunt me. Is if I have a nightmare, which happens from time to time when the ex is chasing me, or if I let history repeat itself. Some people do and others do not.

I remember turning twenty five and thinking my life was over. To me it was old. Actually I was surprised I lasted as long as I did. I had a meltdown on that birthday and then took charge of my own life. I started performing my own one woman shows and made some funky puppet videos with gay celebrities. I still remember Michael Musto greeting me in his pajamas. That summer I drafted my first novel. The following year saw me on TV with my puppet children, making more videos, broadcasting on the web world wide, and surprisingly recording music. Twenty seven saw a number one song online and the publication of my book. Not bad for an old woman.

So far twenty eight has been fruitful. My book is getting into stores. I am possibly doing a book talk at an Ivy League University. On top of that Mensa said my book was a must read. The audioversion of my book is nearly finished. While my voice will forever haunt Archie and Anthony, it is a project that has been worth doing.

My problems today are that a certain store has the online version instead of the online and the print version of my book. My problems are will my musical, one woman show, and screenplay be picked up? Will my crush who is employed like me back? Will my composer be able to tolerate the fact I am so dyslexic when it comes to reading music?

And then the crisis of faith at the career level? Where to go next? To act again seriously? To pursue the music thing? To write another book? To try to pursue the standup again? To webcast again?

Bottom line, these are luxury problems. I have come a long way from who I used to be and where I used to be. When in doubt I always have to remember these days I am present enough to be employed and that I am not a stinking shit mess of drama. My life is really good. It is my decision to influence how happy or miserable people and external forces make me. If I keep going in the right direction not only will I be where I want to go, but I have a fighting chance of going further.

Yes, I am grateful.

Love

April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
Portion of proceeds go to RAINN

Posted in Addiction, April Brucker, Blog, dating violence, domestic violence, gratitude, i came i saw i sang: memoirs of a singing telegram delivery girl, Miss April B, recovery | Comments Off

Someone Like You (Adele)

Tuesday, April 2nd, 2013

Yesterday during my surfing on facebook I found out one of two men I ever really loved has a new girlfriend. Part of me was happy he moved on and seemed to be getting sober. The other part of me was hurt as hell. Actually it was as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest and thrown on the floor.

When I ended it, letting him go, I knew in my head I was doing the right thing. This particular person had drug issues, alcohol issues, and refused to go to meetings and get sober. He also refused to take his much needed psych meds. Then there were the legal issues like the felony charge he still faced. Not to mention the back child support he owed was astronomical. Everyone told me I was doing the right thing. He was a "Loser." These people didnt know him like I do.

In my heart I always wondered if I did the right thing through. This person served as a confidante to me when I was dating someone famous and the famous dude's baby mama just harassed around the clock. Not to mention he was there as emotional support when the psychotic former fiance who suffers from borderline personality disorder tried to make a comeback when my life was going good. And the night my house was robbed, he never left my side. Oh and he was so proud of me for everything I was doing about my career, and would tell anyone who would listen. He made me laugh and he had a good spirit. Yes I made the right decision, but did I?

A drug habit is not like snoring or burping. It's much bigger than that. A felony charge plus a bench warrant is not like a love for bad movies, it is much bigger than that. Back child support and the term dead beat dad arent someone going through a bad phase. They are someone who will leave you high and dry in my experience. But there is a part of my heart that can't and never will stop loving him.

I saw a picture of the new girlfriend and she looked like a fat whore. I will not lie. If trash could be tattooed on her forehead it would be an apt adjective. There is a large part of me that hates her guts because she has the one who stole my heart. But on the other hand I don't know her. She's a single mom. She's in school. She's trying her best. Hating her is just the easy way out. But he's happy and so is she. Maybe they are a better match although I don't want them to be.

In my hubris I thought I was going to be the one who was different and maybe I was. He told me that once. I remember when he was on the run he called me and even told me so. Of course he was working as an escort and was with his assortment of hos. But I was the one he wanted to talk to. I remember the last time we chatted. He called me high as a kite, probably on meth, with some crazy story. Then he texted me and said he was six months sober. But six months is too early to talk love. You are lucky if you can walk and chew gum. Sure, I wanted to live happily ever after. But all the times I got what I wanted, well, they werent so good. I got what I wanted one too many times and now know the Serenity Prayer by heart.

I know I need to keep moving. I have two family members-both lovely women- who got mixed up with men like this. Both of them are paying dearly. One is on a bad path with alcohol, is on her last chance with her professional license, and is in debt to the IRS for the rest of her life because of the damage done by falling in love with the guy she did. The other has kids with hers and her life is miserable, and she is sticking around cause she has no where else to go. Maybe it is better I got out when I did before there were children or any other collateral damage.

On the other hand, I am sort of thankful for it. Yes, in the end he was running from the law. But for so long after my fiance I had been an abusive ice box to the men I dated. I didnt trust and hell, I was less than faithful. There was no love in my heart for any of them even if they treated me kindly. But this was the one that changed all that. For the first time I wasn't an ice box who would cheat on whatever guy I was with and accuse him of every terrible thing in the book. I didnt feel so damaged, and he didnt treat me like a broken toy. I didnt think I could ever fall in love again after the fiance but I was wrong. I didnt want to be wrong, but I was. Sure, I hide my feelings from the rest of the world under a blanket of bravado but could never hide them from this dude, even if he was what they refer to as a barely functional deadbeat.

These days I am hit or miss with men. Some of them hit, but then they miss. And I know in my heart it is because I am comparing every guy I meet to him. Yes, they have a job and dont have any children. But they dont make me laugh or treat me as kind. Yes they arent on the run from the law. But they dont tell their friends how proud they are of me. Yes they dont have a drug or alcohol problem or mental health issue. But when the chips are down, they can't handle me. This dude could handle me. He could handle me at my Lindsay Lohan moments therefore he deserved me when I was in my Beyonce moments. Rub it in that he doesnt have his shit together why don't you?

There is a part of me that relishes in the mean, anti-male, angry, feminist, poetry writing alter ego I create. All of my puppet children are mostly women who dig for gold or killed a husband or lover. It is easier. That whole existence is easier than dealing with my feelings. I will probably bury myself in some iced cream, Lifetime Movies, and work. I will tell myself how I dont need love but then I will lurk on his page like a stupid school girl. I will tell myself if I showed up on his door step he would leave the tramp he is with in a minute. Oops April, EGO- Easing God Out. I have a feeling that my lover boy has gotten to know that slogan too as well as all my favorite least favorites that keep me grounded on his ever blessed fucked up planet called Earth and the state we call reality.

I know better than to go running after him. These days I am planning a book talk at an Ivy League School where I am now a part of their collection. My audio book is almost finished. I am starting work on my musical. Not to mention I might be touring again and really need to write new jokes if I am. This is where my focus needs to be, not my perpetual broken heart over a guy many start swearing at when they hear the full story. Some of this is because my grandmother died and I grieve in a freaky way. The other is things are going so well I just want to destroy them because I am afraid of the good time ending. Some of it is because I am afraid I will never feel this way about anyone again. You can't pick who you love, end of story.

The part of me that cares for him is glad he is getting sober. I am glad he is going to meetings and getting his legal stuff straightened out, slowly but surely. I am also glad he is back on his meds in some fashion. But most importantly, I am glad he is happy. While the selfish part wishes it were with me, the part of me that cares for him is glad he is happy.

Love, you suck. You suck freezer burnt dick.

April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
Portion of proceeds go to RAINN

Posted in Addiction, alcohol, alcoholism, April Brucker, Blog, drug abuse, drugs, heartbreak, i came i saw i sang: memoirs of a singing telegram delivery girl, jail, love, Miss April B | Comments Off

Moth to a Flame

Friday, March 22nd, 2013

Old poem I wrote. Enjoy

Well hello

Moth is my name

I flit, I fly

Don’t ask why

As I eat my cloth

And devour your lampshade

On my latest escapade

Ugly sister of Madame Butterfly

They say it is bad for you

It will kill

But I love the thrill

Maybe it will make me ill

Or maybe tired

Will I be unsure

Or wired

Or scared like a child running from a bee?

Oh the flame is so me

Dear Abby want some advice

I never met a vice

I didn’t like

I didn’t befriend

How does the story end in the land of pretend?

With my friends Tina, Mia and Jack?

Or will it be a stranger I have yet to meet?

I go towards the flame

The flame I admire

The demise I desire

Oh woe is me

Wired to die

But loving the thrill

The past times that make me high

The past time that will kill

The flame envelops me

Oh moonlight night

Death, silence, black

Darkness, howling, pain,

Loss, crying, dear mother

So sorry to go so soon

But wait, not dead

Ready to tackle another adventure

Fuck you Madame Butterfly

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
Paperback available on Amazon and 877-Buy-Book
E-Book available on Kindle and Nook
Audiobook available on itunes and Audible this Spring
www.youtube.com/aprilthestarr
Portion of proceeds go to RAINN

Posted in Addiction, alcohol, Blog, drugs, eating disorders, i came i saw i sang: memoirs of a singing telegram delivery girl, madame butterfly, Miss April B | Comments Off

When I Was Your Man (Bruno Mars)

Thursday, February 7th, 2013

I was with my baby sister this past weekend and yes she now has a love life. Skipper has grown up so quickly. It is weird. I actually like her boyfriend believe it or not. I only threatened to kill him twice if he didn't treat my sister right. He was a good sport about it, and if my sister ends up closing the story book and living happily ever after with this guy it would be far from the worst thing ever. Believe it or not I left the trip liking him and not wanting to kill him. Skipper seems happy.

I had the forever talk with my sister. There is still a lot to think about before Skipper says forever. One is where she will match. The other is, the relationship is still in it's infancy. Their dark sides haven't come out yet and clashed.

I ended up having a deep talk with Skipper. Basically I told her that if this guy turned out to be a good guy to hold on to him. If not let him go. I told my sister that a terrible relationship could damage her forever and once you were damaged goods with a few severe dents you would never be what you once were. And at the same time don't be hasty and let someone go and then look back and regret it. I know, projecting my shit onto my own baby sister. I get it.

I remembered being twenty one and somehow becoming engaged to perhaps one of the biggest psychopaths I have met to date. At the beginning it was great. Then suddenly he was telling me my comedy sucked. Then he told me it was him or the puppets. After that the fights got violent. I remember even between him offering to kill his mother to get the insurance money to be with me I wanted to stay. When I ended it he stalked me and had his old girlfriends threaten me as well. I got a different mailing address and the memories still give me nightmares. You thought I would have been eager for a nice guy after that?

Hell no.

I dated bottom feeders because I felt like that was all I was worth. They didn't want to take me seriously and they didn't mind my ex was stalking me. The worse they treated me the more I wanted them.

There were some nice guys who came along and wanted to treat me well. One in particular really liked me. But the nicer he was to me the bitchier I was back. Some of it was that I was going through some intense shit at the time, an ex who was trying to kill himself at least once a week to get my attention. Some of it was that I didn't know how to be treated right. Needless to say the clusterfuck ended badly and if he saw me somewhere he would run. I heard he got married and is happy. I am glad he is happy, and frankly I feel bad I couldn't be the one to give it to him.

Then there was another one who would have given me the planet and I just wanted to give him grief. He lost my number and found the number of some girl who was nice and now they are engaged. I saw them and it made me want to stick a knife in my head, especially since I blew him off for a guy who had legal issues at the time.

Of course there was one who I was extremely mean to. He really cared about me and the only thing I cared about was getting under his skin. The closer he got the more I wanted to kick him. The nicer the things he did the more I retaliated. Not to mention when he told me he loved me I started cheating on him. Bitch was an understatement. I embarrassed him in public with my antics, called him names, and left him no choice but to call it over. He has a new girlfriend who hates my guts because I was so mean to him. His family hates me because I was so mean. Granted, my ex-fiance was posting scantily clad photos of me with the word slut on them in every online forum he could. But my then boyfriend was a really good sport about my stalker calling and hanging up whenever we were together.

I know this nuttiness, the jealousy, the outright bitch was the result of an abusive relationship and stalker ex. There was only one who could get past that and well, he was a bipolar who wouldnt comply with his psych meds and a drug addict and I had to let him go. He could handle my bitch and that made him special. It was because he could see the shitoeous behavior wasn't the result of a horrid attitude but because I was a damaged person. He knew how not to take it seriously in a way no other guy had. But alas, he was more damaged than I was.

Maybe I can't get a nice guy because I can't be nice. I know that. Plus I know when I go down my list of losers starting with the stalker ex who tried to kill himself in front of me twice I am not exactly what you take home to mom. And then it might get awkward when I realize I dated his dad at one point which has happened to me by the way. Some would say this is colorful. That is one way to describe it. Others would just call me an asshole and a goof ball.

But I just think of all those guys I used to jerk around and think of all the things I shouldn't have said and all the ways I should have behaved. And how they are all happy and it is too late for us. While I am sure my sister's judgement is better once you are a pickle you can never be a cucumber again. I know full well what it is like in life having to travel with a past where your psyche is scarred from an abusive psycho and all the things that follow taking it out on anyone and everyone you encounter in the wide world of dating. And how all your anger and grief just isolates you to the point where when you exit hell all you see is burnt ash and rubble.

Then I think of that line in As Good as it Gets. Jack Nicholson, a Duke in the Kingdom of the Damaged sums it up best, "Some people are on a hill, having a picnic, eating noodle salad. Just no one in this car."

To come to think of it I don't like noodle salad anyway. Plus this experience helps me speak to young women who write to me. Perhaps God never gives us more than we can handle, and this was the catalyst to help me get it together and get my dreams in motion never to let anyone take me down. Either way, I sometimes wish I wasn't so mean to some of the guys in my past.

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
877-Buy-Book
ebook on Kindle and Nook
Portion of Proceeds go to RAINN

Posted in abusive relationships, Addiction, April Brucker, bitchy women, Blog, bruno mars, dating violence, i came i saw i sang: memoirs of a singing telegram delivery girl, love, Miss April B, when i was your man | Comments Off

Something I Can Never Have (Nine Inch Nails)

Friday, February 1st, 2013

I recently had a friend of mine fall off track. Yes, as in no longer sober. As in abscond from his court appointed drug program. Actually abscond is a fancy word for took a detour on a twenty four hour pass and then go on the run missing court. Essentially fucking up. I don't know what hurts my heart worse. The fact he was doing so well for once and slipped and is now going to be a guest for Club Fed, or the fact I blew him off the last two times he wanted to hang out because I was busy with my life and my career.

This is a particular friend I love and care for. He was excited and proud of me when I published my book. I remember once we were chilling and I didnt know whether to mention my book to my other friends, cohorts from the wild phase of my life. My friend said to me, "You need to tell them about your book, April. These people know that if they get their shit together they can do cool things, too."

Things had been looking good for this friend too. He was talking about teaching dance again, because he had once toured with a national show. He was talking about going back to school. Then this all happened.

Some say jail might be a better place for him. The lack of freedom will make it hard for him to get in trouble. Maybe there will be twelve step or other drug rehabilitation resources. Maybe the time behind bars will help him.

But maybe not. Jails make people worse. And jails are terrible places for drug addicts. Not to mention my friend is gay and might be a target for other inmates.

I guess I miss my buddy and his texts. I also get sickened by what drugs do to people. I think of all the people I lost over the years as a result of their drug/alcohol abuse. I have known people who have overdosed, been murdered, or killed themselves because they couldnt take chasing the freaking dragon followed by the terrible lie. Drugs rip apart families and destroy lives.

The worst part is society just tells people to say no. Saying no is not enough because addiction is a disease. I don't think they should even send drug addicts to jail.

On the other hand, my buddy knew what he was doing when he absconded. It had nothing to do with me. It was his decision. He knew what was going to happen.

I want to visit him in jail before they move him to Club Fed, but I feel like a bitch cause I will get to go home and he won't. Either way, tonight I am putting together a package to get my book in another store. During that errand I will write a letter to my friend and let him know I still love him and care.

I will also keep him in my prayers and hope that God guides him the right way.

Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
877-Buy-Book, www.buybooksontheweb.com paperback
Ebook available on Kindle and Nook

Posted in Addiction, April Brucker, Blog, drugs, i came i saw i sang: memoirs of a singing telegram delivery girl, jail, Miss April B, prison pen pals, recovery | Comments Off

Caron Foundation Honors Clive Davis, with Judy Collins, Geraldo Rivera, Chris Lawford, and Lots More!

Sunday, May 27th, 2012

The Caron Foundation is a nationally recognized nonprofit provider of alcohol and drug addiction treatment. Thanks to their grateful donors, their treatment centers last year provided almost 14 million dollars in scholarships to addicted individuals and their families.

Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV with music legend and Caron Foundation honoree Clive Davis at Cipriani's 42nd Street!

Cipriani’s 42nd Street was the site of the Caron Foundation event honoring music legends Clive Davis and Judy Collins, and it was a spectacular, star-studded event handled by Rob Goldstone and David Wilson’s Oui2 Public Relations.

Clive Davis is the Chief Creative Officer of Sony Music Entertainment and a true legend in the music industry. The last time I saw Clive I was having dinner with Michael Bolton and we went over to his table to “kibbitz”! In the video below, you’ll see I had the opportunity to reminisce with him about the time I invited him to attend a Friars Roast, (I wish I recalled which one it was!), which led to Clive being honored as The Friars Man of the Year.

Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV with good buddy Michael Bolton backstage in Vegas!

During his long and illustrious career, Clive Davis has discovered and nurtured the careers of many superstars including Janis Joplin, Bruce Springsteen, Barry Manilow, Jennifer Hudson, Alicia Keys, and the late Whitney Houston.

Judy Collins’ career has spanned more than fifty years, and she has been inducted into the Grammy Hall of Fame. She’s also openly sober for many years and something so cool happened which you’ll see in the accompanying video. As I was interviewing Geraldo Rivera on the red carpet, we were suddenly, and unexpectedly joined by Judy Collins who was so open, and so kind that the other journalists thought I had planned it. But you could never plan something like that.

Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV interviewing both Geraldo Rivera and Judy Collins at the same time!

So there I was doing a three-way interview with Geraldo on one side of me, and Judy Collins on the other. I felt like I was watching a tennis match! I didn’t know which way to turn first! (LOL) Geraldo had bought a table for his friends from Fox News including national correspondent Laura Ingel, and Laurie Dhue who was the MC for the evening and was also openly celebrating five years of sobriety.

Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV interviewing Laurie Dhue, MC for the Caron Foundation event honoring Clive Davis and Judy Collins!

I also got to see my old pal Chris Kennedy Lawford, who is a big supporter of the work that Caron does. He looks so much like his Dad, Peter Lawford that whenever I see him it reminds me of The Rat Pack, with Frank Sinatra, cause his Dad was one of the group.

Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV interviewing his pal Chris Kennedy Lawford at the Caron event at Cipriani'

Chris was a nephew of JFK, and is also very open about his own struggles with addiction. It hits every age group and social strata, and it’s always very courageous when well known people use their “celebrity” to bring attention to the need for help.

I never knew that Chris was instrumental in bringing the movie “Drunks” to the big screen, in which another old friend Richard Lewis was the star.

Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV with Richard Lewis at The Friars Club in NYC!

Laurie Dhue told me that Geraldo had been a big supporter of hers and she felt that he was very helpful in her staying sober. Geraldo of course was too humble to accept that assessment, but she assured me he helped her tremendously.

It was truly a night of reminiscing for me, because when I spoke to Geraldo I was able to reminisce with him about the great story his mother-in-law told me about how he was able to prolong his father-in-law’s life.

Jeffrey Gurian of Comedy Matters TV with Geraldo Rivera at Cipriani's 42nd Street for teh Caron Foundation event honoring Clive Davis and Judy Collins!

It was a powerful story of synchronicity, where his wife Erica’s Dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Geraldo attended an affair where he just happened to be seated next to a doctor he had never met before who just happened to be an expert in prostate cancer and guided him to the surgeon who prolonged his father-in-law’s life. Unfortunately he later on succumbed to the disease, but his wife told me the story because she was struck by the synchronicity of the event.

Geraldo was surprised that I remembered it so clearly, but it’s the kind of story I hold on to, because it’s so meaningful. Theoretically it can’t even happen! (LOL)

I also got to reminisce with Geraldo about an evening we spent many, many years ago with Salvador Dali at the St. Regis Hotel in the King Cole Lounge. Check it all out right here!

Posted in "Caron Foundation", "Chris Kennedy Lawford", "Chris Lawford", "Clive Davis" "Whitney Houston", "Comedy Matters TV", "Fox News", "Frank Sinatra", "Geraldo Rivera", "Judy Collins", "Laurie Dhue", "St. Regis Hotel", "The Caron Foundation", "The Rat Pack", Addiction, alcoholism, Blog, Breaking News, Celeb Photos, Celebrity Passing, Charity Events, Cipriani's, Comedians In The News, Comedy Events, Comedy Matters, Comedy Videos, Featured, Jeffrey Gurian, JFK, Michael Bolton, Nightlife Events, Page 6 Review, Red Carpet Events, Salvador Dali, Self Help Information | Comments Off